I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
