your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
