Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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