apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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