I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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