The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Randomize
