i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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