I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
