I can text with my tongue
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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