Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
