I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
