The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
