Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Please don't give away my fajitas
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