So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize