why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
