its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
