her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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