yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
