umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
