I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
