I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
