My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
