i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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