Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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