everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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