Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
