Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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