when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
