if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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