I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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