I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
