i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize