Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize