I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
