so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
