My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
bring money and cleavage
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
