My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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