i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
