Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
