When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
