you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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