have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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