my phone needs a breathalizer
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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