He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
