There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize