Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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