It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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