my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
