I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
