If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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