I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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