I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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