Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He told me they were just razor bumps!
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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