how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
