bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
