how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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