After last night, I could never be a politician.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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