you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
